Thursday, November 22, 2012

"Eul" Tide: Keeping in Mind the Holiday Season

Lying here with a roll of toilet paper to aid me as my nose decidedly turns into a faucet, draining bacteria and my body turns itself into a broken oven...I think to myself, I have much to be grateful for on this day of thanks; and before I die, I would like to enlighten you all on something I have but just learned this past week.


Since before I started preschool, I was taught the story of the pilgrims. More specifically, I was told the tale of Carver, Bradford, and Massasoit. I know, you're impressed. I watched a lot of TV when I was younger, and as a result have learned quite a lot. EXCEPT, for some strange reason, I was JUST informed that President Abraham Lincoln (and some speculate, Secretary of State William Seward) made Thanksgiving Day a national holiday. How, in my 18 years of schooling was I not informed of this? And if I was, why don't I remember? 

No offense to the pilgrims, but they shouldn't hog all the headlines. And thus, for those of you who were as ignorant as I was, please do read ahead.
By the President of the United States of America.
A Proclamation.
The year that is drawing towards its close, has been filled with the blessings of fruitful fields and healthful skies. To these bounties, which are so constantly enjoyed that we are prone to forget the source from which they come, others have been added, which are of so extraordinary a nature, that they cannot fail to penetrate and soften even the heart which is habitually insensible to the ever watchful providence of Almighty God. In the midst of a civil war of unequaled magnitude and severity, which has sometimes seemed to foreign States to invite and to provoke their aggression, peace has been preserved with all nations, order has been maintained, the laws have been respected and obeyed, and harmony has prevailed everywhere except in the theatre of military conflict; while that theatre has been greatly contracted by the advancing armies and navies of the Union. Needful diversions of wealth and of strength from the fields of peaceful industry to the national defence, have not arrested the plough, the shuttle or the ship; the axe has enlarged the borders of our settlements, and the mines, as well of iron and coal as of the precious metals, have yielded even more abundantly than heretofore. Population has steadily increased, notwithstanding the waste that has been made in the camp, the siege and the battle-field; and the country, rejoicing in the consiousness of augmented strength and vigor, is permitted to expect continuance of years with large increase of freedom. No human counsel hath devised nor hath any mortal hand worked out these great things. They are the gracious gifts of the Most High God, who, while dealing with us in anger for our sins, hath nevertheless remembered mercy. It has seemed to me fit and proper that they should be solemnly, reverently and gratefully acknowledged as with one heart and one voice by the whole American People. I do therefore invite my fellow citizens in every part of the United States, and also those who are at sea and those who are sojourning in foreign lands, to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November next, as a day of Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the Heavens. And I recommend to them that while offering up the ascriptions justly due to Him for such singular deliverances and blessings, they do also, with humble penitence for our national perverseness and disobedience, commend to His tender care all those who have become widows, orphans, mourners or sufferers in the lamentable civil strife in which we are unavoidably engaged, and fervently implore the interposition of the Almighty Hand to heal the wounds of the nation and to restore it as soon as may be consistent with the Divine purposes to the full enjoyment of peace, harmony, tranquillity and Union.
In testimony whereof, I have hereunto set my hand and caused the Seal of the United States to be affixed.
Done at the City of Washington, this Third day of October, in the year of our Lord one thousand eight hundred and sixty-three, and of the Independence of the Unites States the Eighty-eighth.
By the President: Abraham Lincoln
William H. Seward,
Secretary of State

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

He Had Me at Hello

Except he didn't. Who is HE? You're wondering. HE is a hippified-hooligany-greenpeace-loving vagrant (if there even is such a thing). For all of you who are thinking relationshipy thoughts, let me stop you in your tracks. This is about one thing, and one thing only...

Marketing.

For those not seeking a degree in the great field that is essentially human trafficking (okay maybe a bit of a stretch), let me enlighten you. Actually, I won't. If you're wondering, look it up in a dictionary. If you don't have a dictionary...shame on you. I guess that's what the internet is for, an easy and convenient place to, you guessed it, buy dictionaries.

Now on to my story. I will make this quick because a) I lack imagination at this point, and 2) I'm lazy. I was walking the streets of downtown Chicago with my long lost friend, Deven (whether he considers himself long lost or not is another matter). We were walking...somewhere...and this guy, (now known as the hippified-hooligany-greenpeace-loving vagrant) dressed in a vest buckled to his chest (or tied, didn't pay attention to detail) and a binder in hand, proceeded to ask, scratch that, he began to TELL Deven about all the great work his greenpeace-loving self had accomplished in sponsoring a starving child in some remote area of the world; and then of course he proceeded recite excerpts of his textbook, "How to Sell the Cause 101."

I am by no means belittling the good deeds of the people in this world who are willing to give a fraction of a fraction of their income (or lack therof) to help the needy. Whether to give or not to give is not the topic of this rant, nor shall it ever be; to each their own.

What infuriated me was that this lack-luster of a guy didn't even look at me!

Let's back-track for a moment. Deven is a...pretentious fellow. A fellow with a love for blazers and pointy shoes (Deven, if you're reading this...I'm not sorry). Needless to say, he LOOKS like he has discretionary income. I, on the other hand, was wearing, and I hate to say this, but the most hipster of my outfits (and yes, I do love it). So obviously, any NORMAL person would go for the guy who has money and try to pester him to donate to whichever cause-of-the-day. Little did this dud know, I was feeling in a particularly giving mood and had a $20 bill in my pocket, ready to be given to the first person who asked. 10 minutes of pestering later, and I still stood next to Deven, waiting for this sorry excuse of an advocate to turn to me and say, "how about you? do you care about people?"

Obviously I don't. And needless to say, my $20 went to the first person (or in this case, thing) to ask...the CTA pass machine. All I had was a $20...

So yes, it did bother me that this nobody didn't try to sell me the cause. So to all you marketer-hopefuls out there, learn a lesson, don't read "How to Sell the Cause 101," it obviously doesn't work.

*To GreenPeace: I do love trees. I have been to New Zealand. And I absolutely dig the flannel.